“I want my life back…”
That´s what I kept thinking as I stood looking out at flowering bushes I had planted in the front garden. Just a few weeks ago I had found enormous pleasure and contentment in standing there just looking at them. Now all I could feel was a soul-churning melancholy. And I want to be able to walk past something that´s out of place, or go into a room that´s a bit too dark, witout it sending jitters and shudders through my nervous system.
Why? Nothing had changed. Depression is a hateful plague and a curse. It´s a thief that breaks into our life to steal it from us. But it´s a lie. It doesn´t change realities – only our feelings. We realize this if we can find the strength to say thanks for all the blessings we know we objectively have.
Thankfully I´ve had only a few bouts of this illness in my life – and to be honest they were probably self inflicted (too much alcohol for too long?). Whatever… My system has crashed again. BUT THIS IS NOT MY LIFE. It is not how I am. I´m ill. I know I will get better. I will get my life back. I will enjoy life to the full!
Mantras are good at times like this: “I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord. Be strong. Be brave.”
Sometimes you just have to wait, like recovering from any other illlness, days, weeks… and hope. And look after yourself in the meantime.